Every morning I wake up between 2am and 3am after an intense dream and can't fall back asleep.
The dream varies. Sometimes I'm at work, going through a perfectly normal routine and nothing of any consequence happens. It's so real that I often can't distinguish between whether I've had a conversation in real life, or if I've only dreamt it.
Sometimes, of course, they're nightmares. My old standby nightmares where I find myself in a place that is meant to be my home, often my old childhood house on Chestnut Street, filled with room after room of half filled fish tanks and cages full of starved, dirty animals all on their death bed due to my neglect. And soon the room fills with people who stare at me, horrified. I try desperately to feed and clean all of these animals that I've never seen before knowing full well that they're all dying because of me. But I can't. I can't fix it all. Most of them are too far gone and die in my hands. And that's when I wake up, sobbing.
So then I'm awake, again, and it's somewhere in the late 3am - 4am range and I've tried to go back to sleep through several means: relaxation techniques, shifting sleeping positions, self imposed thought control. None of it works. I lie in bed, face up, staring at the dark ceiling with my mind racing full of all the things I'll do the next day, running through the standing list of projects I'm working on.
At some point I usually get desperate and try to will myself back to sleep. Apparently I just can't follow my own directions. By this time, one of my cats has discovered I'm awake and starts yowling at the foot of my bed to let me know that he knows that I know he's there. I ignore him and try shifting in bed yet again.
It never works. I can't shut my brain off. I've given up coffee and alcohol for days at a time after hearing they could be contributing factors, but no change.
Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick I hear the clock in my kitchen count off the seconds. The street lamp outside my window streams in an orange tinted light that burns through my eye lids.
Screw it. The insomnia wins and I decide to wake up for the day, bleary eyed and annoyed.
3 comments:
I wouldn't call this a blog.
I would call this Literature. An eloquent and graphic depiction of what you are suffering. I hope it gets better, but you have described it masterfully.
Do you need me to buy you some Bob Ross videos?
That may be what I buy with the birthday money you gave me...
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